just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
