There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
