They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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