It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
