You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
