My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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