dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
