nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
