fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
