he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
