chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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