I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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