I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you will always have a special place in my vag
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
