Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
