We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
they're like a gay fantastic four
Less talking, more tequila
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
