Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
