This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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