Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
