I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
