You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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