she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
