you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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