my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You are the jesus of drinking
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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