Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
