To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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