There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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