okay pat passed out under dana's car
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
