I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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