What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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