That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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