This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
