i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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