how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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