She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
