Please, let me fuck your mom
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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