Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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