saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
