I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
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