Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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