The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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