so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
my liver is dry heaving
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
