I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
