im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
