Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
