I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
