god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
