i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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