I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
