Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
