you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
