I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
