Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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