It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Mom said you looked used
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
