fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
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