The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize