Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
