Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
